Tips an tricks to survive The Avengers
by letmesleep
Summary: From useing Loki's helmit as a paper football post, here is what not to do when you steal Thor's helmit. To a suitibal form of music torture. Setting up the avenger's on blind dates, and dressing Clint as Cupid. These are just the causes, and the flaws of surviving The Avengers. R&R I will continue if people like.
1. Chapter 1

Tips and tricks to survive the Avengers:

1)Never, ever use Loki's horned helmet as the paper foot ball goal.  
It is very apparent he doesn't appreciate it.  
Also don't use elastic bands, paper air planes, basically anything that you can grab and throw, propel, and tampons too... I am guilty as charged.  
You might jus find yourself the next victim of his trick.

2) When watching "The Pursuit of happiness" with Steve, you can't scream when Jaden Smith drops the Captain America action figure,  
"Steve you need to get him! He needs you!"  
It will freak him out. I swear I saw him in the medical bay the next day.

3) It would be a wise decision on every S.H.E.I.L.D agent's part not to question Natasha's background.  
"I have never seen a Russian with red hair, maybe you are part Irish?"  
"I am not Columbian, but I know how to give a Columbian necktie."  
No one ever spoke about her background from that day forth.

4) It is ill advised to call Clint "Legosa"  
Well it is not my fault that he is an archer, that happens to be male.  
" Maddie?"  
"Yes, Legosa?"  
I nearly dodged that bullet... I mean arrow.

5) Don't talk about how Nick Fury looks like a pirate.  
Somehow he will know! Well I mean he does have an eyepatch, and technically the Helicarier is a boat/plane. So I feel my reasoning is totally justified.  
"Agent VanStone"  
"Yes sir."  
"I think a captain should be in there somewhere."

6) For any S.H.E.I.L.D agent (like myself) you cannot take pictures of Bruce hulking out.  
He will find out who you are, and you can forget about the stern talking to.  
I learned the hard way,  
"Loki you jerk, you told Bruce." *Limping into the room  
"May I remind you of the horn incident. And beside mortal it is fun to watch other people get beat up by that creature."  
Scumbag Loki

7) Don't steal Thor's helmet.  
I went around the base singing ride the lightning with Tony.

8) Don't bring your boy/girl friend to meet the Avengers.  
I brought my ex... Lets just say he was a keeper for surviving two hour of interrogation.  
But then Loki had to come and turn him into a mouse.  
I didn't even know Loki could do that,  
why was Loki even there?  
Dam you Loki

9) Poptarts and Thor go together like PB&J, you don't see one without the other.  
So don't hide Thor's Poptarts!  
You will be sorry.

10) speaking of hiding, if you really want to get Tony good hid his Stark phone charger.  
He can't live without his phone,  
Oh wait he has ten phones -_-

11) it is very impolite to talk about Loki giving birth to a horse.  
"How can he get laid, but I can't?!"  
He gave me a very suggestive look.

* * *

Well people I am done for the day, read and review. And give me some suggestions.


	2. Chapter 2

12) Don't get into an argument with Tony.  
You will not win.  
Even if you are right,  
"Tony you can't play Chinese fire drill in the air."  
"I am Iron man. Your argument is invalid."

13) Following rule twelve don't put the effort into arguing with Loki.  
Not only is he the God of lies, but he is more stubborn then a mule.  
"Loki you can't turn the S.H.E.I.L.D agents into your own personal slaves.  
He gave me a board look,  
"I am a God mortal, I do what I want."  
I glared,  
"My God certainly don't look like the devil."

14) Also following rule twelve, don't argue with stupid people.  
Hence every new S.H.E.I.L.D recruits, you think they would have to go throw an I.Q test.  
They will drag you down to their level of stupidity and beat you with their experience.

15) Tony stop insulting my taste in clothes.  
"Who picked your outfit?"  
"What is wrong with it?"  
"Honey you are in New York, not in Canada anymore."  
"That makes no sense!"  
"I'm waiting for a heard of beavers to come and take you away!"  
I was just wearing leggings and a Roots sweater.

16) Believe it or not S.H.E.I.L.D frowns upon pranks.  
Then why do they have the God of Mischief here?  
In all fairness he has some funny pranks.

17) No quoting Star Wars.  
" There is a traitor among us."  
Tony to every Avenger in the room.  
They all looked at me!

"These are not the agent you are looking for."  
Me to Fury when I spilt coffee on him.  
Clearly he was not convinced.

18) No braking out into spontaneous song and dance.  
They will send you straight to the loony bin.  
But Fury doesn't mind a flash mob.

19) Don't play matchmaker for the Avengers.  
They won't appreciate it, and some how karma has a way of rearing its ugly head to me.  
"I set up a date for you, since you where oh so nice to do one for me and Clint"  
Natasha to me, in the car. She said she was taking me shopping!  
Oh god it was Loki.  
How did she even get Loki to agree, well for the date, I have no comment.

20) Don't compare Jane and Thor's relationship to Tarzan.  
Clearly you can see the similarities.  
Smart girl, brute male?

21) Clint uses the air ducts to his advantage, don't think he won't cause he will.  
I now have a habit of checking my ducts for Clint, forget monsters.

22) Don't get Thor to summon his Mojorln inside.  
I made the mistake, so I had to patch up the holes in the walls.  
Why couldn't Thor do it? It is his Mojorln!

23) When prepping for thanksgiving there are some rule you must fallow.

Just because Clint's code name is "Hawkeye" doesn't mean he will be the turkey, or dress up as one. Boo you Clint!  
Thor can't bring mead, again. That is self explanatory.  
For Loki, the expression fair game, means it must be alive. Making the turkey alive again is terrifying. Especially since I had to cook it this time around.  
I was about to put the turkey into the oven, then it hopped out of the pan. What is worse it started to chase me.  
His excuse was,  
"I don not understand your midguardin culture."

24) Whenever you think you are alone, your probably not.  
I was doing a night shift, I had my ear buds in.  
So naturally I started to dance.  
Little did I know that I was being video recorded by Tony.

25) Locking someone in a room, and cranking the Barney song, is apparently cruel and unusual.  
I disagree,  
I locked Tony in a closet and played Barney.  
And he turned out fine!  
(Exclude his loss of some of his hair, therapy, and the constant replay of the Barney song in his head. On the bright side I got the video of me dancing.)  
But like Tony was fine to begin with?

* * *

Read and review! I own nothing.


End file.
